When Tribbles Attack
by Crow Skyler
Summary: Kahn's back, and with a personal tribble army! Will the Enterprise survive? Incomplete, sadly.
1. Kahn

(Scene: The crew on the bridge, as usual. Kirk looks macho, Spock looks thoughtful, McCoy looks irked, Uhura looks cute, Scotty is somewhat there, Sulu looks tense, and Chekov just is... there.)  
  
Kirk: Anyone there?  
  
Uhura: All quiet, sir.  
  
Kirk: *frowns* That's odd.  
  
Spock: *puzzled* Why is it odd, Jim?  
  
Kirk: Because the Hollywood Rulebook says so! *holds a very thick black book and waves it about madly*  
  
Spock: Fascinating.  
  
McCoy: *concerned* You alright, Jim?  
  
Kirk: I'm spiffing, Bones, why should I be? I'm the macho captain! *as if on cue, begins to cough*  
  
Chekov: Macho, vy arse.  
  
Kirk: *cough* Spock, you *cough* have the *cough* conn.  
  
(Kirk leaves with McCoy in tow. Spock moves to the side of Kirk's chair and appears thoughtful once more.)  
  
Scotty: *quietly* Why can't he be our captain? At least he doesn't go after girls right and left.  
  
Uhura: Sir! We're receiving a transmission!  
  
Spock: On speakers.  
  
Speakers: Hello, my dear old friend.  
  
Spock: *raises an eyebrow* Who is this?  
  
Speakers: *irritably* Put me on the frickin' screen, Mr. Spock, so I may see you all.  
  
Sulu: Should I.?  
  
Spock: Yes.  
  
(Kahn appears on the screen! All crew members GASP dramatically, and then stop acting like this is a soap opera and merely gape.)  
  
Chekov: But. but you're dead!  
  
Kahn: Shut up. The author brought me back so I may. terrorize you once more.  
  
Scotty: *truthfully* Well, I'm not very terrified.  
  
Kahn: You WILL BE! *evil laughing* Prepare to meet thy doom, Enterprise!  
  
(He clicks off the screen with a REMOTE. The door suddenly starts to wobble dangerously, and something repeatedly slams into it.)  
  
Uhura: What will we do? *faints*  
  
(Everyone looks helpless. The door suddenly slams open.)  
  
Annoying Narrator: What will happen next?! Find out NEXT TIME! .I'm going to ask for a raise. 


	2. Tribble Surfing

(The door crashes to the floor, and a flood of multi-colored TRIBBLES spill into the room!)

(They swamp a few redshirts, who scream and are eaten alive. Scotty pulls Uhura's unconscious form away before she can be eaten, too.)

Spock: It appears that we are trapped.

Chekov: The horror! Man-eating Tribbles!

Scotty: Why is that so bad?

Chekov: What a stupid, embaressing way to die.

Sulu: What will we do, Mr. Spock?

Spock: We… *looks stumped, for once*

Chekov: *glances at a few, cowering redshirts* *exchanges a glance with Sulu*

Sulu: Let's walk across on the bodies of the Redshirts, and then go down to the sickbay to Dr. McCoy and the Captain!

(Everyone blinks.)

Sulu: *sg* Well, no one else was making any suggestions.

(They all shrug, then grab the Redshirts. The Redshirts kick and scream helplessly and are tossed on top of the tribbles in a line. The CREW walks on top of them and climb into the lift, escaping certain, embaressing death!)

(They hurry down to Sickbay. McCoy and Kirk look politely confused.)

Kirk: What's going on? Spock?

Spock: It appears Kahn survived the Genesis device.

McCoy: But… that's impossible!

Sulu: *wryly* Apparently not.

Chekov: Tribbles have invaded the ship, keptin!

(All over the ship, redshirts are eaten alive. All others are spared, due to things in the Tribbles' path or plot purposes.)

Kirk: *sighs* I hate Tribbles.

Uhura: What do we do, Captain?

Kirk: *grimly* We… go see if we can transport all the Tribbles off. Then we find calm.

Chekov: Ingenius, sir!

Sulu: …Hey, I thought up that plan!

Kirk: Be quiet. *to the rest* To the transporter room!

Scotty: Aye, captain!

(They make it halfway there, but then barricade in the sickbay as a flood of Tribbles swarm the hallway.)

McCoy: Jim, what'll we do!?

Kirk: Um…

(The Tribbles begin to viciously squeak, eating the door slowly. It soon resembles swiss cheese of a lightly cuter kind. Not to mention fuzzier kind.)

Kirk: Er…

(The mult-colored hord starts to spread, towards them.)

Kirk: Um—

Everyone Else: CAPTAIN!

Kirk: *grabs a random surfboard* We _surf_ out!

Everyone Else: …

Spock: Captain, where did you get that device?

Kirk: Author. *smug*

Sulu: Does anyone know how to surf?

Kirk: It's easy, Mr. Sulu! Just set the board down and… do your thing!

(They all get surfboards, from some unknown place, and surf on the furry ocean of Tribbles. The Tribbles don't have time to eat them as they go by, so they're safe—for the moment.)

Kirk: *surfs through a few hallways* *notes that the Tribbles stop in a few feet* !!

Spock: Don't worry, Captain! Merely jump off!

(This is too much for Kirk he slides into a wall and crumples by his board. Spock neatly jumps off. McCoy and Sulu manage to do the same. Chekov and Scotty slam into each other, and then spin into another wall. Uhura rushes off her board to help Chekov.)

Uhura: Oh, Pavel!

(Spock helps Kirk to his feet. Kirk steadies himself, then…)

Kirk: *pained voice* To the transporter room immediately!


	3. Escape From The Enterprise

(Not entirely unexpectedly, they reach the transporter room.)

(Kirk is wheezing, trying to catch his breath.)

Spock: Captain, are you alright?

Kirk: Yes, I'm fine, Mr. Spock. Why do you ask?

Spock: You seem a little... out of breath.

Kirk: *goes red* I am in perfect, healthy condition.

Sulu: *impatient* Can we stop with the drama already? 

(Scotty rushes forward and embraces the console, to everyone's chagrin.)

Scotty: My poor wee bairns!

Everyone Else: o_O

Sulu: Ooookay, a little frightened, here...

Chekov: Vhat is he doing?

Scotty: *coughs* Er, Captain, the console's out. 

Kirk: ****************!!

Chekov: I didn't know a curse word that long existed!

Kirk: No, no. The author just stepped on her keyboard.

Chekov: ...oh.

Spock: Her, captain? And what is an 'author' got to do with us?

Kirk: Er... let's fix the console, men!

Uhura: *looks quietly pissed off*

Kirk: *sheepish* ...And women.

(The door suddenly rattles on its hinges. Mad, vicious humming can be heard on the other side.)

McCoy: Jim, they've trapped us!

Kirk: *bravely* We shall not perish, Bones! ...We have phasers.

Spock: Against Tribbles, captain?

Kirk: Hey, it could work. *shrugs*

(Suddenly the Tribbles burst through and storm the room. But then Kirk strikes up a deal with the author and she fixes the console.)

(They beam onto a planet.)

Chekov: That vas close.

(A little girl stares at them. She drops the ice cream she was eating in terror, and runs off screaming.)

Spock: Fascinating. 

Uhura: Fasc -- ? We frightened her! Poor girl...

Kirk: Uh, come on. We've got to figure out what planet we're on.

(They walk through a disturbingly perfect forest and come across a little, perfect town. Everything is oddly shiny and plastic-looking.)

Everybody: Yes!

Sulu: Finally.

(A woman walks up to them, dressed in ditzy clothing. Her skin is shiny. Her body is perfect. It's LIFESIZE BARBIE!)

Kirk: *drools, not unexpectedly*

Uhura: She's... she's perfect! 

Kirk: Yeeeeaaahhh...

McCoy: *hits him* Get your mind out of the gutter, CAPTAIN.

Barbie: Hello! Do you need help?

Spock: Where is the nearest -- *is muffled by Kirk's hand*

Kirk: Where's the nearest shuttlecraft, baby?

Barbie: Shuttlecraft? Oh, how cute! Little trekkies!

(Everyone blinks. She's right. They're half her height. Apparently, they've been shrunk.)

Kirk: *snaps fingers* Damn.

Barbie: Oh, naughty curse word!

Sulu: *impatient* This is getting us nowhere!

(Suddenly, Barbie falls down dead. Standing over her is a Black-suited figure.)

Black-suited Figure: Haha!

Kirk: O.o And... who might you be?

(The whole atmosphere suddenly gets to Uhura. She starts dancing and singing that well-known Barbie song.)

Everyone Else: O.O

Spock: Fascinating. 

Sulu: Uhura? What -- ?

(Uhura grabs him and begins to dance with him. He pales. The Black-suited Figure looks freaked.)

Black-suited Figure: Haha! I'm out of here!

(He runs away.)

Kirk: Wait! Who was that?

Spock: I... think that was a Power Ranger, captain.

(Dragging Uhura along, they come upon a sign which reads, "YOU ARE HERE." And that's all it has on it.)

Sulu: *dry* Well, that's helpful.

Chekov: Sair! There's a logo in the corner of this sign... "PLANET MATTEL"?

Everyone: *groans*

McCoy: We're done for, Jim! What do we DO?

Kirk: *begins to think*

(His deep thinking takes up all the space left in this chapter...)

Annoying Narrator: Will the revelations never cease? Find out what happens Next Time!


	4. Duct Tape

Kirk: *is still thinking*  
  
Sulu: *grumps* How long can this take?  
  
Kirk: Aha! I've got it! We assemble a ship out of these plastic parts!  
  
Sulu: WHAT plasti--  
  
(They notice big grey pieces of plastic on the ground in front of them. One is squashing Chekov's toe.)  
  
Chekov: O.O The... pain... *runs around screaming*  
  
Spock: *nerve pinches him*  
  
Chekov: Pain... *collapses*  
  
Sulu: Oh, great.  
  
Kirk: Mr. Scott!  
  
Scott: Aye, sair?  
  
(A pause.)  
  
Kirk: Well?  
  
Scott: Well what, sair?  
  
Kirk: WELL?!  
  
Scott: *puzzled* Sair?  
  
Kirk: WELL?!?! GET TO WORK!  
  
Scott: *brightens* Oh! Right, sair. *bustles off with some duct tape*  
  
(Commercial break.)  
  
("When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape!")  
  
(Back to the show.)  
  
(A shuttle, with liberal amounts of duct tape, is now ready to go.)  
  
Kirk: Brilliant, Mr. Scott. More duct tape for you. *hands him some*  
  
Scott: *delighted* Thank you, sair!  
  
Kirk: Now, let's go!  
  
(Meanwhile... on the distant horizon... inside the Enterprise...)  
  
Kahn: Well, they think this is going to work? *cliche villain laugh* I'll get them, just you wait James T. Kirk, just you WAIT! 


	5. An Idiotic Interlude

Scotty: There it is, sair.  
  
(The shuttle, more or less, is finished. Though it looks like something out of a Barney video.)  
  
McCoy: Why the big, googly eyes, Mr. Scott?   
  
Scotty: Because they're fashionable nowadays, shut up.  
  
Kirk: Well, my only question is... can it fly?  
  
Scotty: Of course it can, sair!  
  
(They climb in. The shuttle creaks unsteadily.)  
  
Chekov: Pain... O.O  
  
McCoy: Oh, shut up, you.  
  
Chekov: .  
  
Sulu: Let's hope this thing works!  
  
Scotty: HEY...  
  
(Sulu takes off. The Shuttle wobbles, takes flight, and then promptly crashes back down again.)  
  
Scotty: Well, maybe I should have used more than two strips of duct tape.  
  
Kirk: ...YOU THINK?! 


	6. Return to the Enterprise

(Comercial break ends...)  
  
(Kirk and co. are in the Shuttle, in space. It flies off-center, and rather wobbly.)  
  
Spock: I would like to note that it took five strips, on Mr. Scott's one, of duct tape to get this thing flying again.  
  
Kirk: Noted, Spock. *looks out the window* Anyone seen Uhura?  
  
Sulu: I think she's in the back.  
  
(Uhura is, indeed, in the back. She's headbanging to the Beach Boys.)  
  
Chekov: *wonders* The Beach Boys? At a time like this?  
  
Sulu: Sir, we've got an email from Kahn!  
  
Kirk: Onscreen!  
  
("So, my old friend, you try to approach me by stealth? Well, don't worry, I'll find you...")  
  
McCoy: Jim, that makes no sense!  
  
Kirk: Why?  
  
Spock: We are not approaching the Enterprise by stealth.  
  
McCoy: ...damn halfbreed said it before I did.  
  
Kirk: Then something must be malfunctioning! We can still win this! *looks proud* *strikes a pose*  
  
(Everyone important averts their eyes in time, even Uhura, but an innocent Redshirt spots him and dies instantly.)  
  
(They approach the Enterprise, wobbling along.)  
  
Scotty: Y'mind if I turn on the Subspace Radio, sair? A Van Halen song's supposed to be...  
  
Kirk: Scotty, we're facing my arch nemesis! Can we *tense quiet*, here?!  
  
Scotty: *mumbles* Sorry, sair.  
  
(They manage to dock, amazingly enough.)  
  
McCoy: *mumbles, exiting* I hardly expected it to last that long.  
  
(The shuttle falls apart, pieces rolling this way and that.)  
  
Scotty: *sour* Gee, Dr. McCoy, thanks for jinxing it.   
  
Kirk: Bones...  
  
McCoy: *mumbles*  
  
(They hurry down a corridor.)  
  
Scotty: Sair, what about the --  
  
Tribbles: *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak* *squeak*  
  
Redshirt: *is swarmed* Aggghhhh!! *goes down*  
  
McCoy: Jim, we're surrounded!  
  
(What will happen next?! Find out NEXT TIME!) 


	7. Kahn's Shower?

(The crew is surrounded by Tribbles!)  
  
Chekov: -_- I hate Tribbles. They're squeaky and --  
  
Uhura: You didn't mind that one I brought back with me!  
  
Chekov: That was before I saw they multiplied faster than Q can!  
  
Spock: Who is this Q?  
  
Chekov: *mumbles* Nevermind, wrong series.  
  
(Suddenly, Kahn appears. He waves the Tribbles away, and steps towards Kirk. The bored Tribbles swarm another Redshirt.)  
  
Redshirt: Nooooo!! That kung fu marathon's on tonight!!  
  
Kirk: Kahn! Get your stinking behind off my ship!  
  
Kahn: I beg your pardon? -_-  
  
McCoy: ...Jim, we ARE kind of... at his... mercy...  
  
Kirk: I don't care! Get off, I say!  
  
Sulu: *sarcastic* This is such a brilliant plan for getting the ship rescued.  
  
Kirk: Shut up, it's all I can think of!  
  
Kahn: I'll leave the ship... If I am allowed to use a shower. I haven't used one in years.  
  
McCoy: Yes, the stench around you cements that fact. _  
  
(Kahn goes off to use a shower. The crew returns to the bridge.)  
  
Spock: That was most unusual.  
  
Kirk: Is Kahn finished yet?  
  
Scotty: ...no one seems to know where he is.  
  
Sulu: Aw, %$&#!  
  
Chekov: Sending out a security team! *pushes some Redshirts into the Lift*  
  
Redshirts: O_O;;;;  
  
Kirk: Let's hope that stops him before he does something we'll regret!  
  
Spock: Captain -- do Redshirts ever do anything right when the music is so dramatic?  
  
Kirk: ...no... oh, hell... 


	8. The Bathrobe Tango? Where are the Tribbl...

(A/N: It's 7 in the morning and I got four hours of sleep, don't blame me if this is screwed up...)  
  
Spock: Captain, the computer reports... that it would like you to go to hell.  
  
Kirk: ...excuse me?  
  
Spock: It ran the two tests you asked, and now it says it's... "tired, tell James Kirk to go to hell."  
  
Kirk: *raises an eyebrow*  
  
Chekov: *mutters in Russian* Vhat wasn't va computer...  
  
Sulu: *cruel snigger*  
  
Uhura: Captain, we are being hailed from inside the ship!  
  
Kirk: On...screen?  
  
Kahn: Ah, there you are my friend!  
  
(Kahn is on the screen, dressed in a bathrobe. Sniggers break out among the crew.)  
  
Kirk: *amusedly* Missing something, Kahn?  
  
Kahn: Oh, shut up!  
  
(A redshirt breaks into screechy giggles. Kahn phasers him, somehow.)  
  
Scotty: *was standing right next to him* ?!?  
  
Spock: Fascinating.  
  
Kirk: What?!  
  
Kahn: Just be glad I didn't phaser you!  
  
(He vanishes from the screen.)  
  
Sulu: ...that was bizarre.  
  
Spock: Captain, that was next to your quarters.  
  
Uhura: And that looked like your bathrobe!  
  
Chekov: -_- How do you know what his bathrobe looks like?  
  
Kirk: That bastard, he used my shower! Send all you have after him!  
  
Chekov: Yes, sair!  
  
Spock: Captain, Mr. Kyle is reporting that Kahn is trying to leave the ship.  
  
Kirk: He'll pay, damn him! Have Mr. Kyle stun him!  
  
Spock: Yes, captain. But he reports that Kahn is... dancing the macerena.  
  
Kirk: ...if the stun kills him, no big deal.  
  
Sulu: How tasteless.  
  
Chekov: Yeah, ve could have danced the tango.  
  
Uhura: ...with Mr. Kyle?  
  
Chekov: ...good point. -_- 


	9. Frankenkahn!

(Tribbles are swarming the ship.)  
  
(Several redshirts are devoured or just plain attacked.)  
  
Kirk: I need a drink...  
  
Chekov: Sir, unknown wessel approaching.  
  
Kirk: Onscreen!  
  
(The 'wessel' looks like a human head.)  
  
Scotty: That's the wierdest ship I've ever seen, sair.  
  
Kirk: I think we're ALL thinking that, Mr. Scott. -_-   
  
Scotty: Just keepin' you informed, sair...  
  
Uhura: We're receiving a transmission! ...the other vessel says it wants to *RAE* marry the Enterprise?!  
  
Spock: Captain, that is no ship, it is an alien.  
  
Sulu: -_- It's the wierdest looking alien I've ever seen.  
  
Redshirt: *runs in screaming, being torn to bits by Tribbles: ARGHHHHH!!  
  
Everyone Else: *ignores him*  
  
Redshirt: ...and I wanted a good death scene... *unceremoniously dies*  
  
Uhura: Sir...?  
  
Kirk: Tell him... it... whatever... that this ship isn't looking for, uhhhh... marriage.  
  
(The alien looks disappointed and warps off.)  
  
(Meanwhile, deep in the bowels of the ship...)  
  
(Kahn performs experiments on Tribbles.)  
  
Kahn: Hahahahaa! I have done it! THE PERFECT TRIBBLE!  
  
Annoying Announcer: What is this 'perfect Tribble'? Will the Enterprise survive? Find out... NEXT TIME! 


	10. Fluffy! And pop music! The horror!

(The crew is having a rousing match of Poker *don't ask me why* when the 'Lift doors suddenly burst open.)  
  
Voice: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEE!!  
  
Sulu: What the. . .  
  
("Standing" in the Lift is Kahn, holding a hot pink Tribble that's one size too big to be a normal Tribble.)  
  
Kirk: *cracks up* *thumbs up sign* It's very you, Kahn.  
  
Voice: DO NOT INSULT THE MASTER!  
  
Kahn: *evil grin* Enterprise Crew, meet. . .Fluffy.  
  
Crew: *"facefault"*  
  
Fluffy the Tribble: Heehee!   
  
Kahn: Do not laugh! Fluffy is the perfect Tribble!  
  
(Fluffy leaps forward and devours a Redshirt next to Chekov in seconds.)  
  
Chekov: O_O;;;  
  
Kahn: Surrender, or Fluffy sh--  
  
Fluffy: *coughs madly* Agh, uniforms taste terrible! What do you wash them in?!  
  
Uhura: *brightly* The thickest soap lather we can find?  
  
Fluffy: XP  
  
Kahn: . . .Yes, well. *sigh* We have pop music, too.  
  
Crew: NOT POP MUSIC!  
  
Fluffy: *purrs*   
  
Kahn: Hahahaha! *sets down a boombox and runs into the Lift*  
  
Fluffy: *follows madly, scuttling like a crab*  
  
Spock: . . .Fascinating.  
  
Boombox: *starts playing N'Sync*  
  
Crew: _;;;;  
  
Sulu: *clutches head* My ears are under heavy assault, captain! *falls to the ground*  
  
Announcer: Will they survive? Find out next time!  
  
(Cue annoying commercials.) 


	11. By cheese, Chekov lives!

(We return to the scene. The crew is rolling about the floor, groaning in agony to Britney Spears' "Opps! I Did It Again".)  
  
Scotty: Oooh, me poor wee ears!  
  
Kirk: Mr. Spock! Can you reach that torture device?!  
  
Spock: I can, Captain.  
  
(He calmly turns off the boombox. As the crew gets up, they stare. Spock explains.)  
  
Spock: Vulcans are immune to pop music.  
  
Sulu: Well, that's handy.  
  
(Kirk gets up and strikes a heroic pose.)  
  
Kirk: Now! Where's that--  
  
(Fluffy bursts in and devours--or, rather, mauls Chekov.)  
  
Uhura: *screams*  
  
Spock: Fascinating.  
  
Sulu: But. . .if he dies, I'm next! *throttles Chekov* GET BACK HERE!  
  
(Fluffy moves towards Uhura.)  
  
Fluffy: Heehee! *mad purring*  
  
Uhura: Save me, Pavel!  
  
Scotty: He's kind of. . .dead, lass.  
  
(Sulu is in hysterics.)  
  
Sulu: GET BACK TO THE LAND OF THE LIVING YOURSELF OR I'LL GET MCCOY TO DOSE YOU!  
  
Chekov: Mmph? *sits up*  
  
Uhura: Pavel! . . .HELP ME!  
  
(Spock -- somehow -- nerve pinches the alien.)  
  
Chapel: Oooh, how brave of you, Spock! *melts*  
  
Kirk: . . .Right, Mr. Scott -- can we wield this torture device ourselves?  
  
Scotty: Aye. *adds* With earphones, sair.  
  
Kirk: This could be our weapon against Kahn! And Spock, bring the Tribble. I don't want it following us.  
  
(They bustle out as there is. . .ANOTHER COMMERICAL BREAK. *shock! gasp!*) 


	12. And the side villain gets the glory!

(Thanks to "Crazomatic" for the little help on a plot element. ^_~)  
  
  
  
  
(Kahn is relaxing in Kirk's quarters.)  
  
Kahn: Ah, how sweet is the sound of triumphant. Because it isn't pop music.  
  
(However, N'Sync music starts playing from the speakers. Soft but deadly. Two brainwashed redshirts by the door burst into flames, squawking. Kahn merely sweats.)  
  
Kahn: Oh... no.  
  
(Kirk bursts in. Without his shirt on. Another redshirt clutches his chest and dies.)  
  
Kahn: You!  
  
Kirk: Me.  
  
Kahn: ...where's your shirt?  
  
Kirk: Dry cleaners.  
  
Kahn: Oh.  
  
(They face each other for a few minutes before Kahn sighs.)  
  
Kahn: I'll go, I'll go... where's Fluffy?  
  
Ominous, Squeaky Voice: Against the wall! NOW!  
  
(A phaser blast takes out several redshirts. The corpses explode "pleasantly." Kahn and Kirk quickly do as told.)  
  
(Fluffy is standing... sitting... Well, he's in the doorway. Whether Tribbles have feet is optional in this fanfic. Oh, and he's holding a phaser. Just so you know.)  
  
Kahn: ...double crosser!  
  
Kirk: ...fluffy scum!  
  
Fluffy: Humans! Please. No name calling. Insult me in my own language.  
  
(Kahn starts squeaking, and Kirk almost dies of laughter. But, he doesn't. Too bad.)  
  
Fluffy: That's enough! My mother doesn't do that! *sniffs* *somehow* Now. Make me Captain of this Vessel.  
  
Kirk: What?!?  
  
Fluffy: You heard me! ...wait, at this time in the script, who's in charge of this bucket?  
  
Kahn / Kirk: I am!  
  
Kirk: *glares*  
  
Kahn: *glares*  
  
Fluffy: *rolls its eyes, which are hidden, so I don't know why he even bothered* Oh, and that answers SO MUCH... Author?  
  
Deep, Powerful Voice: Kahn!  
  
Fluffy: You're not the author! You imposter!  
  
(There are shouts as a crowd somehow drags the "Imposter" down and mauls him, a la Monty Python. The real author appears.)  
  
Timid Voice: ...Kirk.  
  
Fluffy: Thanks.  
  
Timid Voice: No problem.  
  
(Kirk and Kahn glare at the Tribble.)  
  
Fluffy: *smug* The author likes villains.  
  
Kahn: But --  
  
Fluffy: Silence! You were merely the side villain! Buwaha ha ha!   
  
Kirk: *mutters* We're doomed.  
  
  
  
(Timely commercial break!) 


	13. The true effects of Barney!

(We return from our break to find Fluffy having fun with the ship's phasers.)  
  
Fluffy: Hahaha! Take THAT, asteroid!  
  
Spock: ...Captain, this is highly illogical.  
  
Fluffy: Yes, well, I'm a hot pink super-Tribble! Is THAT logical?  
  
Spock: ...no...  
  
Fluffy: Heehee!  
  
(The crew is at their respective stations, but they're grumbling.)  
  
Chekov: *to Kirk, meaning Fluffy* Ve vant him off this wessel.  
  
Kirk: Nothing I can do... I don't WANT to do anything -- Kahn tried to escape, and he was sent to watch Barney videos!  
  
(A collective shudder, and sighs of sympathy.)  
  
Sulu: Well, maybe he won't be TOO insane when we get down there.  
  
Fluffy: *shrieks* Kirk -- what does this mean, "Game Over"?!  
  
Kirk: *smug* It means that you LOST.  
  
Fluffy: Noooo! The villain never loses! ...he dies first! *tries to commit suicide* *Uhura, for some reason, stops him*  
  
Kirk: ???  
  
Uhura: He'd get your chair bloody, captain.  
  
Kirk: Oh, well. Thank you.  
  
Uhura: *sarcastic* My pleasure. *goes and plays some bloody video game on her monitor*  
  
Fluffy: *pants* Send Kahn in! His brain should be a mushroom, by now! Mr. Chekov, aim your torpedos at the planet Earth! We're gonna GO UP IN A FIERY EXPLOSION!!  
  
All: O_O!!  
  
(Kahn is dragged in, giggling. He spots Kirk and runs over, hugging him.)  
  
Kahn: Fwend!  
  
Kirk: *looks freaked*  
  
Scotty: The poor man...  
  
McCoy: Better him than, say, me.  
  
(Chekov, gulping, targets phasers for earth. Fluffy laughs like a maniac. So, he laughs like he is...)  
  
Fluffy: REVENGE IS MINE! 


	14. The logics of Speech

Kirk: Fluffy! Please... not this... fine vessel and her... crew! We've--  
  
Fluffy: Spare me the speech, Kirk. And stop talking like that; you're driving me up the wall.  
  
(He glances down.)  
  
Fluffy: Now! Where is the self destruct button?  
  
Kirk: *smug* Don't you know, tribble?  
  
Fluffy: Argh. Oh, wait -- it's this giant, red, shiny one, isn't it?  
  
Kirk: *snaps fingers* Damn.  
  
Fluffy: Muwahaha!   
  
Kahn: *eyes glazed* Moooooommmmy.  
  
(Silence.)  
  
Sulu: Okay, that was disturbing.  
  
(Kahn latches onto Uhura and coos.)  
  
Uhura: O_O Get him off, Captain!!  
  
Fluffy: Hm, maybe he should have watched the Under Sea Life tapes instead.  
  
  
  
____________________  
  
Didn't that suck? *argh* I'm sorry. There's more coming, I swear. Now, where did I put that duct tape... 


	15. Kahn is gone?

(Enterprise blows up. KABOOM!)  
  
(No, just kidding. Sorry. It's been a long day.)  
  
KIRK: *holds head in hands* It's finally happening, Spock. We're going to die. I... I love you.  
  
(SPOCK attempts to look DIGNIFIED, but just ends up looking FREAKED OUT.)  
  
SPOCK: Captain... are you all right?  
  
KIRK: Do I LOOK alright?!?!  
  
SPOCK: ...  
  
(UHURA and CHEKOV have a "MOMENT.")  
  
UHURA: We'll never see each other again! Oh, Pavel! lunges  
  
CHEKOV: Mmf!  
  
(FLUFFY looks moved. And he has POPCORN.)  
  
FLUFFY: *tearfully* It's all so... beautiful! *insert evil anime laugh here* Too bad you're all going to die!  
  
KIRK: Tribble! What are your plans?!?  
  
FLUFFY: I already told you! But it doesn't make any difference, as you're all going to die!  
  
(Suddenly, FLUFFY is hit with a helluva lot of vegetables for stealing BLACK WALTZ THREE's line from "FINAL FANTASY IX." He uses his cute Tribbles powers and POUTS.)  
  
MCCOY: You steal other villains' lines? You really are evil!  
  
FLUFFY: That's nothing! I created JON VOIGHT!  
  
(MCCOY looks SHOCKED, and who can blame him, while KIRK moves forward, ripping off his shirt. Hey, tradition. Three Redshirts are hit with shards of the shirt and DIE.)  
  
KIRK: Alright, you! You and me! Come on! *growls*  
  
FLUFFY: That wouldn't be fair... hey, I know, I'll just kill you with this PHASER and then your whining will be gone!  
  
(Millions of people declare FLUFFY to be their hero. However, KIRK grabs FLUFFY before he can do anything. Those people CURSE FLUFFY TO THE DEPTHS OF HELL for failing.)  
  
KIRK: Aha!  
  
FLUFFY: Ack! Don't hate me because I'm cuter than your toupee!  
  
KIRK: No, my secret!  
  
MCCOY: Ah, I thought your hair was livelier than was healthy at your last checkup...  
  
UHURA: *is "busy" with CHEKOV*  
  
SPOCK: Captain, if I may be so bold... perhaps Fluffy could be an asset.  
  
KIRK: Eh? *holding FLUFFY over a trash compactor*  
  
SPOCK: Kahn has disappeared. Which, according to the Hollywood rulebook, is trouble.  
  
(KIRK POUTS at not being able to destroy the TRIBBLE, who looks extremely HAPPY.)  
  
FLUFFY: God bless you, Spock!  
  
SPOCK: Also, Tribbles are especially good on the grill.  
  
(FLUFFY bursts into tears.)  
  
FLUFFY: My child! Nooo!  
  
KIRK: ...What?  
  
FLUFFY: ...I'm pregnant, what will I tell my mother?  
  
SPOCK: That is highly illogical. All Tribbles are born pregnant, as such.  
  
FLUFFY: I was gonna name him "Kirk", too.  
  
(KIRK promptly MELTS. UHURA and CHEKOV are taped by their crewmembers. MCCOY makes several sarcastic comments WHICH DO NOT MATTER TO THE PLOT.)  
  
KIRK: Alright, Fluffy! Let's find Kahn!  
(To be continued... again...) 


End file.
